Dear Diary,
Had an okay-ish sleep. It was cold. I kept finding myself sleeping in an uncomfortable position. Which meant I kept readjusting the entire time. Annoying. Stuff like this can be really annoying. Feeling like I had an unfulfilling sleep, especially after days of incomplete sleep, annoying. To know that your eyes will burn the rest of the day. But I don't feel particularly mad about it after some time, it becomes part of the general annoyance until eventually fading away when I stop caring. I soon realise fretting about things will only ruin my day.
I'm feeling positive for what's to come. Maybe even just tomorrow. Or this evening? About the next game I'm playing? Starting to learn to enjoy and appreciate the things that make me happy. On the greater scale of things, I'm also very excited about what life has to offer after highschool. It's a cheerful anticipation, it does not make me dread the present like some other things I anticipate or wish, wish is a more appropriate word I feel. Chasing after the eventful will only make my days dreamy and more eventless. "Live in the moment" is what I try to keep telling myself. It's easier to do when you are consumed by whatever it is you are doing, thoughtless about anything else. It is so draining to constantly conflict with yourself. I have been trying not to antagonize myself when I do something I know I will regret. It hasn't helped me at all and only hurts my self-esteem. "This is not the part of me I'm proud of", "There's more to me" Acceptance has helped me a lot. When I keep repeating the same mistakes, it does disappoint enough for me to be mad at myself. But it's soon followed by acceptance.
Spending time doing something, like working on this site, it gives me satisfaction and happiness. I sometimes spend a lot of time talking to myself or dreaming about all of the things that I could have had and my wishes. I haven't in a while, so I'm glad. Nowadays, I mostly talk to myself about everyday life, plans and rambles about random things.
Alright, enough with the rambling. I don't even know what I just typed, completely inorganized thoughts. Oh well.
15/1/25
Dear Diary,
Been almost a week since my last entry, not a lot worth writing about has happened. Yesterday I had a good cycling session, healthwise. I was laser focused and I was cycling fast. Here are the songs I listened to while cycling, just putting it out here in case anyone cares:
- All Hope Is Gone - Slipknot
- BFG Division - Mick Gordon
- Infraliminal - Rezzmau5
- Ghosts 'n' stuff - deadmau5
- Creatures of the Night - KISS
- Holy Diver - Dio
- Five Magics - Megadeth
Almost forgot to talk about it but I reworked the entire site, it's all DOOM now, well most of it. I like how the home page looks, I think it looks a lot cleaner. I still want to retain some of that oldschool look and there are still a lot of things I want to experiment with and see how they add up. I still need to pick a color for this page so that it's easier to read. Alright, picked it. Yellow. And, font changed to consolas. I know yellow doesn't match with anything of anything, but atleast it's easier to read. Okay, I'm done. Meet you next time.
9/1/25
Dear Diary,
I realised I put "24" in the year in my previous entry. I should stop being so stuck in the past. Anyways, the site has apparently crossed 1k views. Yay? Yay!!! There's no way I've viewed my site a thousand times, no way. Maybe. But a LOT of people have seen my pages now. A lot for me, atleast. It's a shame that the home page is still quite a mess, but I will fix it eventually. The design that I'm the most proud of so far is the diary, but the colors are still mehhh, I'll figure it out. I'm trying all the colors and choosing the one that fits. I realised I'm picking dark colors and they're really hard to see, I'll try and pick lighter ones. Let me know if it's a pain to read here.
Okay, enough about that. Today, I finished the first part of the first DOOM. The game is very addicting. The smooth and responsive movement, the simple mechanics and just shooting whatever you see, it all goes together nicely. The simplicity is part of the reason why I also love Counter Strike: Source (not that my laptop sucks and I can't run modern fps games). I love the chill, casual play and being able to spend hours just hanging out with my friends on there. But unfortunately, CS:S is dying and a lot of my friends have already quit so that sucks. I loved joining my favourite server every day and playing with the regulars, it was our own little safe space. And how could I forget the community made stuff. I loved playing jailbreak and furien mod on CS 1.6, it was some of the most fun I had playing CS. A lot of this will not make sense to someone who hasn't played CS, and I'm sorry that I got so carried away. Coming back to DOOM, I tried multiplayer and it's fun but I got a bit bored in the coop where everyone was just going around the map spamming the use key and trying to find secrets. I don't know much yet, but there's a lot to see and I'm really looking forward to play more.
My day was good, got some studies done and also had fun oh and also, cycling. Got everything done. That's all for now. Cya later.
6/1/25
Dear Diary,
Busy day today. Got a lot of assignments to do and I'm not done yet. Procrastinated nice and easy, got a lot of work done on the page, we got a guestbook and this diary now, I guess that's cool. Did some cycling and now, I want to sleep. But alas, I've got to do my work. Cycling sessions have been very relaxing, it's like meditation, I'm left alone with my thoughts to sort out, there is peace and I can just take my mind off of stressful things for some time and just do something that's nice and simple. I was hesitant at first, thought it would be too much work to cycle everyday. But after I did it for a couple of days, I realised it was just what I needed. Something about cycling peacefully and listening to TOOL, it's bliss. Had a few close calls where I almost crashed when I was cycling really fast during my favourite parts of songs, but it's not really voluntary, it just happens, especially during the ending of Forty Six & 2. I get to enjoy myself while actually doing something good for myself. I feel a bit proud.
I haven't written anything in a while, I think I might write something tomorrow if I get the chance. I want to write something good. I don't have any ideas, but I'll figure it out. I have been looking at other people's poems on neocities and I've realised I need to put in a lot more work before I start writing good poems. I need to read more to be able to imagine more concepts and broaden my vocabulary. It's a slow process but hopefully, I'll get there eventually. I like playing with words and making art with them, it makes me feel smart and like I'm doing something valuable.
I've been trying to find webrings to join but it's been a bit painful and an itch to my brain, I think I should chill out for a bit and let things simmer. Now that I've done all that I can with the site, for now, I should start putting things out, enough playing around. But I don't even know if anyone's reading. If you're reading this, thank you, it means a lot <3 I've been really enjoying the process of making this site and even if I maybe have like 2 people reading my stuff, it would be really cool.
Oh and by the way, I wanted to say, the haiku on the index page is just a placeholder for webrings stuff but I might just have to keep it at this rate.
Alright, that's it for now, that's my first entry, cya later.
