#FEBRUARY
12/2/25
Dear Diary,
Adults seem to know so much about me. They seem to know what I'm feeling, what my limits/capabilities are, what the solutions to my problems are and what the next thing I should be doing is. My input doesn't matter because it will probably be some excuse. Oh they always know it all!
I've been a bit busy over the past week, a lot of things are coming up of which I am not excited at all. I'm excited for what comes after. Things are piling up and it's making me angry again. All this working up over the future and my career has me tired man. When did stuff get so serious? My parents & co keep pushing me and I don't blame them ^_^ but it doesn't stop me from getting mad, I hate it when I start yelling at them in anger but we never seem to come to an understanding which reaaally sucks. Days are tough people, I am typing this on WordPad, that should tell you how tough days are nowadays. But, there are good things too
I've got some good news. I don't know where they're coming from. I've also been seeing new cats. Maybe someone in the area is petting new cats, I've seen two new kittens so far.
I've got a lot bunch of poems that are waiting to be completed. I started them, got to a tough part and dropped them. I don't want to rush them but now I feel like I am just avoiding them to not have to think because thinking is tiring. I also have one cooking in my head that I haven't gotten to writing yet. Walking your talk is tough. I want to write a happy poem.
Now, for the other bs:
Yesterday, I committed the sin of watching the Rick & Michonne spin-off of The Walking Dead. It was good for the least part. I feel scammed as a fan these days.
I am sick.
That's all for today. Cya. (I'm half asleep this time too so forgive) 13/2/25 Edit: grammar
1/2/25
Note:- Last time I accidentally posted this on the jan page oops
Dear Diary,
Been a while. I've just been busy. A lot of nonsensical work, awful sleep past few nights, a lot of thinking and laziness. My bad. I wanted to write sooner but something keeps coming up and things have been super annoying. I've been frustrated and angry. My brain is not working right now so if I am just leaving a lot of crap on here I'm sorry. I had a terrible cycling session. I did enough, but felt unsatisfied. Just didn't feel it today. I started watching The Office yesterday because I've never watched it and decided now was the perfect time. What the fuck was the second episode.It left me perplexed because it was very unexpected. I should shut up about it because if you've never watched it how will you know what I'm yapping about, right? Anyways, I've been unwell but fortunately, no bad fever dreams. I once had a fever dream of falling into Jupiter and it was the worst. I couldn't sleep properly at all that night and felt awful the rest of the day. And guess what? I had a funny little exam that day and I did terrible in that which was lovely. I had to wear a mask because my nose was runny and all of this for some goddamn reason seems to always happen during exams. Probably because I stay up a bit during them, and that is probably the cause for it. Bad sleep. My mother loves to tell me to either to wake up early and study early in the morning or study late at night and wake up a bit late. Wow thanks mother. I have a lot of choice in that. I should really be studying right now tho, like, really. But I have to do this, I feel better after doing this. I feel happier. Isn't that just great? I feel like such a prick right now but I'll keep this going for my sake. What does putting this out here even mean? If anyone's reading, does this feel like someone just puked all over their screen? Don't tell me. Don't. I know what you're going to say. And again for my sake, let's just pretend that it doesn't.
I've been thinking a lot about causality and it just makes me sad. I gained nothing.
What would I even be doing in life if I didn't have ways like this to keep me contained? I'd keep thinking and thinking and would eventually burn myself out. I've been thinking so much for a long time now and before, they used to be everyday thoughts and now it's just, "What will fulfill me?", "What is my purpose?", "Am I true to my morals?" etc etc I think I've been a bit too serious and hey, maybe that's a good thing but idk. It does get tiring sometimes. Maybe it happens because I am lonely/nothing to do/bored? I guess. I am confusing myself right now. Sorry, this must be so awful to read. The two skulls at the top is how I'm feeling right now. I guess I'll stop for now. Laters.*****
Dear Diary,
Adults seem to know so much about me. They seem to know what I'm feeling, what my limits/capabilities are, what the solutions to my problems are and what the next thing I should be doing is. My input doesn't matter because it will probably be some excuse. Oh they always know it all!
I've been a bit busy over the past week, a lot of things are coming up of which I am not excited at all. I'm excited for what comes after. Things are piling up and it's making me angry again. All this working up over the future and my career has me tired man. When did stuff get so serious? My parents & co keep pushing me and I don't blame them ^_^ but it doesn't stop me from getting mad, I hate it when I start yelling at them in anger but we never seem to come to an understanding which reaaally sucks. Days are tough people, I am typing this on WordPad, that should tell you how tough days are nowadays. But, there are good things too
I've got some good news. I don't know where they're coming from. I've also been seeing new cats. Maybe someone in the area is petting new cats, I've seen two new kittens so far.
I've got a lot bunch of poems that are waiting to be completed. I started them, got to a tough part and dropped them. I don't want to rush them but now I feel like I am just avoiding them to not have to think because thinking is tiring. I also have one cooking in my head that I haven't gotten to writing yet. Walking your talk is tough. I want to write a happy poem.
Now, for the other bs:
Yesterday, I committed the sin of watching the Rick & Michonne spin-off of The Walking Dead. It was good for the least part. I feel scammed as a fan these days.
I am sick.
That's all for today. Cya. (I'm half asleep this time too so forgive) 13/2/25 Edit: grammar
1/2/25
Note:- Last time I accidentally posted this on the jan page oops
Dear Diary,
Been a while. I've just been busy. A lot of nonsensical work, awful sleep past few nights, a lot of thinking and laziness. My bad. I wanted to write sooner but something keeps coming up and things have been super annoying. I've been frustrated and angry. My brain is not working right now so if I am just leaving a lot of crap on here I'm sorry. I had a terrible cycling session. I did enough, but felt unsatisfied. Just didn't feel it today. I started watching The Office yesterday because I've never watched it and decided now was the perfect time. What the fuck was the second episode.It left me perplexed because it was very unexpected. I should shut up about it because if you've never watched it how will you know what I'm yapping about, right? Anyways, I've been unwell but fortunately, no bad fever dreams. I once had a fever dream of falling into Jupiter and it was the worst. I couldn't sleep properly at all that night and felt awful the rest of the day. And guess what? I had a funny little exam that day and I did terrible in that which was lovely. I had to wear a mask because my nose was runny and all of this for some goddamn reason seems to always happen during exams. Probably because I stay up a bit during them, and that is probably the cause for it. Bad sleep. My mother loves to tell me to either to wake up early and study early in the morning or study late at night and wake up a bit late. Wow thanks mother. I have a lot of choice in that. I should really be studying right now tho, like, really. But I have to do this, I feel better after doing this. I feel happier. Isn't that just great? I feel like such a prick right now but I'll keep this going for my sake. What does putting this out here even mean? If anyone's reading, does this feel like someone just puked all over their screen? Don't tell me. Don't. I know what you're going to say. And again for my sake, let's just pretend that it doesn't.
I've been thinking a lot about causality and it just makes me sad. I gained nothing.
What would I even be doing in life if I didn't have ways like this to keep me contained? I'd keep thinking and thinking and would eventually burn myself out. I've been thinking so much for a long time now and before, they used to be everyday thoughts and now it's just, "What will fulfill me?", "What is my purpose?", "Am I true to my morals?" etc etc I think I've been a bit too serious and hey, maybe that's a good thing but idk. It does get tiring sometimes. Maybe it happens because I am lonely/nothing to do/bored? I guess. I am confusing myself right now. Sorry, this must be so awful to read. The two skulls at the top is how I'm feeling right now. I guess I'll stop for now. Laters.
#JANUARY
19/1/25
Dear Diary,
Had an okay-ish sleep. It was cold. I kept finding myself sleeping in an uncomfortable position. Which meant I kept readjusting the entire time. Annoying. Stuff like this can be really annoying. Feeling like I had an unfulfilling sleep, especially after days of incomplete sleep, annoying. To know that your eyes will burn the rest of the day. But I don't feel particularly mad about it after some time, it becomes part of the general annoyance until eventually fading away when I stop caring. I soon realise fretting about things will only ruin my day.
I'm feeling positive for what's to come. Maybe even just tomorrow. Or this evening? About the next game I'm playing? Starting to learn to enjoy and appreciate the things that make me happy. On the greater scale of things, I'm also very excited about what life has to offer after highschool. It's a cheerful anticipation, it does not make me dread the present like some other things I anticipate or wish, wish is a more appropriate word I feel. Chasing after the eventful will only make my days dreamy and more eventless. "Live in the moment" is what I try to keep telling myself. It's easier to do when you are consumed by whatever it is you are doing, thoughtless about anything else. It is so draining to constantly conflict with yourself. I have been trying not to antagonize myself when I do something I know I will regret. It hasn't helped me at all and only hurts my self-esteem. "This is not the part of me I'm proud of", "There's more to me" Acceptance has helped me a lot. When I keep repeating the same mistakes, it does disappoint enough for me to be mad at myself. But it's soon followed by acceptance.
Spending time doing something, like working on this site, it gives me satisfaction and happiness. I sometimes spend a lot of time talking to myself or dreaming about all of the things that I could have had and my wishes. I haven't in a while, so I'm glad. Nowadays, I mostly talk to myself about everyday life, plans and rambles about random things.
Alright, enough with the rambling. I don't even know what I just typed, completely inorganized thoughts. Oh well.
15/1/25
Dear Diary,
Been almost a week since my last entry, not a lot worth writing about has happened. Yesterday I had a good cycling session, healthwise. I was laser focused and I was cycling fast. Here are the songs I listened to while cycling, just putting it out here in case anyone cares:
Almost forgot to talk about it but I reworked the entire site, it's all DOOM now, well most of it. I like how the home page looks, I think it looks a lot cleaner. I still want to retain some of that oldschool look and there are still a lot of things I want to experiment with and see how they add up. I still need to pick a color for this page so that it's easier to read. Alright, picked it. Yellow. And, font changed to consolas. I know yellow doesn't match with anything of anything, but atleast it's easier to read. Okay, I'm done. Meet you next time.
9/1/25
Dear Diary,
I realised I put "24" in the year in my previous entry. I should stop being so stuck in the past. Anyways, the site has apparently crossed 1k views. Yay? Yay!!! There's no way I've viewed my site a thousand times, no way. Maybe. But a LOT of people have seen my pages now. A lot for me, atleast. It's a shame that the home page is still quite a mess, but I will fix it eventually. The design that I'm the most proud of so far is the diary, but the colors are still mehhh, I'll figure it out. I'm trying all the colors and choosing the one that fits. I realised I'm picking dark colors and they're really hard to see, I'll try and pick lighter ones. Let me know if it's a pain to read here.
Okay, enough about that. Today, I finished the first part of the first DOOM. The game is very addicting. The smooth and responsive movement, the simple mechanics and just shooting whatever you see, it all goes together nicely. The simplicity is part of the reason why I also love Counter Strike: Source (not that my laptop sucks and I can't run modern fps games). I love the chill, casual play and being able to spend hours just hanging out with my friends on there. But unfortunately, CS:S is dying and a lot of my friends have already quit so that sucks. I loved joining my favourite server every day and playing with the regulars, it was our own little safe space. And how could I forget the community made stuff. I loved playing jailbreak and furien mod on CS 1.6, it was some of the most fun I had playing CS. A lot of this will not make sense to someone who hasn't played CS, and I'm sorry that I got so carried away. Coming back to DOOM, I tried multiplayer and it's fun but I got a bit bored in the coop where everyone was just going around the map spamming the use key and trying to find secrets. I don't know much yet, but there's a lot to see and I'm really looking forward to play more.
My day was good, got some studies done and also had fun oh and also, cycling. Got everything done. That's all for now. Cya later.
6/1/25
Dear Diary,
Busy day today. Got a lot of assignments to do and I'm not done yet. Procrastinated nice and easy, got a lot of work done on the page, we got a guestbook and this diary now, I guess that's cool. Did some cycling and now, I want to sleep. But alas, I've got to do my work. Cycling sessions have been very relaxing, it's like meditation, I'm left alone with my thoughts to sort out, there is peace and I can just take my mind off of stressful things for some time and just do something that's nice and simple. I was hesitant at first, thought it would be too much work to cycle everyday. But after I did it for a couple of days, I realised it was just what I needed. Something about cycling peacefully and listening to TOOL, it's bliss. Had a few close calls where I almost crashed when I was cycling really fast during my favourite parts of songs, but it's not really voluntary, it just happens, especially during the ending of Forty Six & 2. I get to enjoy myself while actually doing something good for myself. I feel a bit proud.
I haven't written anything in a while, I think I might write something tomorrow if I get the chance. I want to write something good. I don't have any ideas, but I'll figure it out. I have been looking at other people's poems on neocities and I've realised I need to put in a lot more work before I start writing good poems. I need to read more to be able to imagine more concepts and broaden my vocabulary. It's a slow process but hopefully, I'll get there eventually. I like playing with words and making art with them, it makes me feel smart and like I'm doing something valuable.
I've been trying to find webrings to join but it's been a bit painful and an itch to my brain, I think I should chill out for a bit and let things simmer. Now that I've done all that I can with the site, for now, I should start putting things out, enough playing around. But I don't even know if anyone's reading. If you're reading this, thank you, it means a lot <3 I've been really enjoying the process of making this site and even if I maybe have like 2 people reading my stuff, it would be really cool.
Oh and by the way, I wanted to say, the haiku on the index page is just a placeholder for webrings stuff but I might just have to keep it at this rate.
Alright, that's it for now, that's my first entry, cya later.
Dear Diary,
Had an okay-ish sleep. It was cold. I kept finding myself sleeping in an uncomfortable position. Which meant I kept readjusting the entire time. Annoying. Stuff like this can be really annoying. Feeling like I had an unfulfilling sleep, especially after days of incomplete sleep, annoying. To know that your eyes will burn the rest of the day. But I don't feel particularly mad about it after some time, it becomes part of the general annoyance until eventually fading away when I stop caring. I soon realise fretting about things will only ruin my day.
I'm feeling positive for what's to come. Maybe even just tomorrow. Or this evening? About the next game I'm playing? Starting to learn to enjoy and appreciate the things that make me happy. On the greater scale of things, I'm also very excited about what life has to offer after highschool. It's a cheerful anticipation, it does not make me dread the present like some other things I anticipate or wish, wish is a more appropriate word I feel. Chasing after the eventful will only make my days dreamy and more eventless. "Live in the moment" is what I try to keep telling myself. It's easier to do when you are consumed by whatever it is you are doing, thoughtless about anything else. It is so draining to constantly conflict with yourself. I have been trying not to antagonize myself when I do something I know I will regret. It hasn't helped me at all and only hurts my self-esteem. "This is not the part of me I'm proud of", "There's more to me" Acceptance has helped me a lot. When I keep repeating the same mistakes, it does disappoint enough for me to be mad at myself. But it's soon followed by acceptance.
Spending time doing something, like working on this site, it gives me satisfaction and happiness. I sometimes spend a lot of time talking to myself or dreaming about all of the things that I could have had and my wishes. I haven't in a while, so I'm glad. Nowadays, I mostly talk to myself about everyday life, plans and rambles about random things.
Alright, enough with the rambling. I don't even know what I just typed, completely inorganized thoughts. Oh well.
15/1/25
Dear Diary,
Been almost a week since my last entry, not a lot worth writing about has happened. Yesterday I had a good cycling session, healthwise. I was laser focused and I was cycling fast. Here are the songs I listened to while cycling, just putting it out here in case anyone cares:
- All Hope Is Gone - Slipknot
- BFG Division - Mick Gordon
- Infraliminal - Rezzmau5
- Ghosts 'n' stuff - deadmau5
- Creatures of the Night - KISS
- Holy Diver - Dio
- Five Magics - Megadeth
Almost forgot to talk about it but I reworked the entire site, it's all DOOM now, well most of it. I like how the home page looks, I think it looks a lot cleaner. I still want to retain some of that oldschool look and there are still a lot of things I want to experiment with and see how they add up. I still need to pick a color for this page so that it's easier to read. Alright, picked it. Yellow. And, font changed to consolas. I know yellow doesn't match with anything of anything, but atleast it's easier to read. Okay, I'm done. Meet you next time.
9/1/25
Dear Diary,
I realised I put "24" in the year in my previous entry. I should stop being so stuck in the past. Anyways, the site has apparently crossed 1k views. Yay? Yay!!! There's no way I've viewed my site a thousand times, no way. Maybe. But a LOT of people have seen my pages now. A lot for me, atleast. It's a shame that the home page is still quite a mess, but I will fix it eventually. The design that I'm the most proud of so far is the diary, but the colors are still mehhh, I'll figure it out. I'm trying all the colors and choosing the one that fits. I realised I'm picking dark colors and they're really hard to see, I'll try and pick lighter ones. Let me know if it's a pain to read here.
Okay, enough about that. Today, I finished the first part of the first DOOM. The game is very addicting. The smooth and responsive movement, the simple mechanics and just shooting whatever you see, it all goes together nicely. The simplicity is part of the reason why I also love Counter Strike: Source (not that my laptop sucks and I can't run modern fps games). I love the chill, casual play and being able to spend hours just hanging out with my friends on there. But unfortunately, CS:S is dying and a lot of my friends have already quit so that sucks. I loved joining my favourite server every day and playing with the regulars, it was our own little safe space. And how could I forget the community made stuff. I loved playing jailbreak and furien mod on CS 1.6, it was some of the most fun I had playing CS. A lot of this will not make sense to someone who hasn't played CS, and I'm sorry that I got so carried away. Coming back to DOOM, I tried multiplayer and it's fun but I got a bit bored in the coop where everyone was just going around the map spamming the use key and trying to find secrets. I don't know much yet, but there's a lot to see and I'm really looking forward to play more.
My day was good, got some studies done and also had fun oh and also, cycling. Got everything done. That's all for now. Cya later.
6/1/25
Dear Diary,
Busy day today. Got a lot of assignments to do and I'm not done yet. Procrastinated nice and easy, got a lot of work done on the page, we got a guestbook and this diary now, I guess that's cool. Did some cycling and now, I want to sleep. But alas, I've got to do my work. Cycling sessions have been very relaxing, it's like meditation, I'm left alone with my thoughts to sort out, there is peace and I can just take my mind off of stressful things for some time and just do something that's nice and simple. I was hesitant at first, thought it would be too much work to cycle everyday. But after I did it for a couple of days, I realised it was just what I needed. Something about cycling peacefully and listening to TOOL, it's bliss. Had a few close calls where I almost crashed when I was cycling really fast during my favourite parts of songs, but it's not really voluntary, it just happens, especially during the ending of Forty Six & 2. I get to enjoy myself while actually doing something good for myself. I feel a bit proud.
I haven't written anything in a while, I think I might write something tomorrow if I get the chance. I want to write something good. I don't have any ideas, but I'll figure it out. I have been looking at other people's poems on neocities and I've realised I need to put in a lot more work before I start writing good poems. I need to read more to be able to imagine more concepts and broaden my vocabulary. It's a slow process but hopefully, I'll get there eventually. I like playing with words and making art with them, it makes me feel smart and like I'm doing something valuable.
I've been trying to find webrings to join but it's been a bit painful and an itch to my brain, I think I should chill out for a bit and let things simmer. Now that I've done all that I can with the site, for now, I should start putting things out, enough playing around. But I don't even know if anyone's reading. If you're reading this, thank you, it means a lot <3 I've been really enjoying the process of making this site and even if I maybe have like 2 people reading my stuff, it would be really cool.
Oh and by the way, I wanted to say, the haiku on the index page is just a placeholder for webrings stuff but I might just have to keep it at this rate.
Alright, that's it for now, that's my first entry, cya later.