#APRIL
6/4/25
Dear Diary,
I'm back. My last entry was exaggerated and cringe, I'm sorry about that. I felt so cool and edgy when I was writing it B). I put my anthology on halt and started another one in a collab with someone, it's almost done, only one poem is left. Once that poem is done, I'll post it asap. I'm really proud of it and the experience of collabing with this person has been amazing. They're really sweet and encouraging. I never thought this poetry thing would come this far. My site has been catching rust for a while now and I just don't know what to do with it? It's in a good position right now. Planning on watching the minecraft movie and finding the time to schedule it, kinda excited ngl. I started to learn how to drive, kinda late? maybe? idk. I'm doing good. I mean, I haven't crashed or anything yet, so that's cool. You know, I'm still alive and all. I did almost run into a wall, but that was only once. Only once and that too when I was a complete novice. Of course, I used the brakes. I'm kinda smart like that. Damn does my intelligence get underestimated. I do think that cycling is more fun tho. Maybe I feel that way because I've been learning a scooter. Maybe bikes are more fun.
I finally reached the part in doom where you fight the cyberdemon. Look, I know it took me a while but I don't really game nowadays, it's a crime. Because exams are going on, the usual. It's easier to spare myself the lectures than not play doom. For those who don't know, the cyberdemon is the dude having a good time on my writings page. We're already on the fourth month of this year, man. I've got like zero progress done. But whatever, I'm not feeling like going on a rant about it.
It's been a while since I properly watched an anime. Anyone got some good recommendations? I started Hellsing but I stopped for no particular reason, I just stopped. I'm really excited for demon slayer this year. Finally that one fight I've been waiting for. Won't name it but those who know, know. It will be so cool animated. Much more fun than the other fights, the others were cool but not as cool. I mean come on, there's no way this fight wouldn't take the spotlight.
Okay enough of that. Lately, I've been having a firework of emotions and memories. It's like everything joins up and creates this amalgamation. It throws a little bit of everything at you, just sending explosions off in your mind, as if the usual noise isn't enough. Maybe it's a form of entertainment for this mind of mine that constantly needs something banging and clanging up there. You just hope that you're able to burden it because when your mind isn't able to anymore, it overwhelms you. And you need a nap. I don't even watch shorts or reels man, and my youtube watchtime has reduced a lot. What the hell is happening with my attention span. Reading books doesn't help, it just adds to the general noise. All these thoughts feel normal most of the time but sometimes, like rarely, it just gets to you, and I hate that.
That's all for now, the thoughts are garbling up. Stay cool dear readers.
Dear Diary,
I'm back. My last entry was exaggerated and cringe, I'm sorry about that. I felt so cool and edgy when I was writing it B). I put my anthology on halt and started another one in a collab with someone, it's almost done, only one poem is left. Once that poem is done, I'll post it asap. I'm really proud of it and the experience of collabing with this person has been amazing. They're really sweet and encouraging. I never thought this poetry thing would come this far. My site has been catching rust for a while now and I just don't know what to do with it? It's in a good position right now. Planning on watching the minecraft movie and finding the time to schedule it, kinda excited ngl. I started to learn how to drive, kinda late? maybe? idk. I'm doing good. I mean, I haven't crashed or anything yet, so that's cool. You know, I'm still alive and all. I did almost run into a wall, but that was only once. Only once and that too when I was a complete novice. Of course, I used the brakes. I'm kinda smart like that. Damn does my intelligence get underestimated. I do think that cycling is more fun tho. Maybe I feel that way because I've been learning a scooter. Maybe bikes are more fun.
I finally reached the part in doom where you fight the cyberdemon. Look, I know it took me a while but I don't really game nowadays, it's a crime. Because exams are going on, the usual. It's easier to spare myself the lectures than not play doom. For those who don't know, the cyberdemon is the dude having a good time on my writings page. We're already on the fourth month of this year, man. I've got like zero progress done. But whatever, I'm not feeling like going on a rant about it.
It's been a while since I properly watched an anime. Anyone got some good recommendations? I started Hellsing but I stopped for no particular reason, I just stopped. I'm really excited for demon slayer this year. Finally that one fight I've been waiting for. Won't name it but those who know, know. It will be so cool animated. Much more fun than the other fights, the others were cool but not as cool. I mean come on, there's no way this fight wouldn't take the spotlight.
Okay enough of that. Lately, I've been having a firework of emotions and memories. It's like everything joins up and creates this amalgamation. It throws a little bit of everything at you, just sending explosions off in your mind, as if the usual noise isn't enough. Maybe it's a form of entertainment for this mind of mine that constantly needs something banging and clanging up there. You just hope that you're able to burden it because when your mind isn't able to anymore, it overwhelms you. And you need a nap. I don't even watch shorts or reels man, and my youtube watchtime has reduced a lot. What the hell is happening with my attention span. Reading books doesn't help, it just adds to the general noise. All these thoughts feel normal most of the time but sometimes, like rarely, it just gets to you, and I hate that.
That's all for now, the thoughts are garbling up. Stay cool dear readers.
#MARCH
14/3/25
Dear Diary,
I actually don't have anything planned for this entry. It's all going to be random information drop. I got called out for my hair three times yesterday! And it's not even like it's long hair or anything, just a bit overgrown. So that's a great way to start this dry entry. To light things up a bit: I've been working on an anthology, it's my first time writing a bunch of poems that relate to each other so bear with me on this one. I'm excited for it, it has been fun writing it for sure. It's about daily everyday struggle stuff so don't expect something too insane.
It's a tingly little feeling, of feeling left out. You start looking for all the damn flaws you can find in yourself and start picking away at yourself. Feels so hopeless when something as simple as being part of a healthy friend group seems like a far-off thing. Now, I'm probably not the person to be talking about this, I'm part of a pretty healthy small little friend group. But I have felt left out a lot and a lot of it might just be me whining and making it a big deal but hey, that's why you exist diary, you're the one who listens. You're my escape, well sometimes. Most of the times it's just songs. All of it feels like running in a big circle.
You get upset -> You talk to yourself -> You try to see things differently -> You somewhat succeed -> You get upset again
And then there is always that one song to intensify the feeling and etch it deeper into your mind. That's one of the reasons why I had stopped listening to certain songs. Metal was a good escape from that, I know that a lot of metal songs are very emotional but a lot of the times I didn't pay attention to the lyrics and was mostly hyped up by the music. Like, my first metal band was Rammstein and my german is as good as a chair's so it was mostly about the lyrics and the choruses that didn't make sense but it was still fun to sing them out.
Feeling left out is naturally followed by fomo, to make things worse just in case they weren't bad enough already. I try to capture these feelings and emotions in my poems but I haven't been doing all that well, I feel like. Because the poems end up either being too abstract/too intense or they end up shifting from the main theme some bit.
Oh and the feeling that while I'm typing all of this, things are happening without me
yikes.
8/3/25
Dear Diary,
I know it's been a bit! First of all, I wish anyone who's reading a good day. Mine has been pretty chill except for the studies part. Oh and also for the part where I was waiting for the bus for a while. There's not a lot to catch up on, the times have been transitory, if there was something to report, I would deliver, for sure. I mean look at me, do you think I go outside and I have demons to slay? No way! My life is as boring as it gets. Highschool is about to end soon and I can't wait to screw off from there! I did make a few good friends but I was just that awkward kid that could not talk to other people. I had brief conversations with other people, but that was it. My classmates were good, they were supportive and helping. Love the few good friends that I did make though, they're awesome. I mostly hung out with my two friends from previous years. We were pretty much the outcasts, but only outcasts in the sense that we weren't part of the main group. We fit with each other perfectly. I'm a bit worried about my social life when I go off to college. I don't want to end up as a weird awkward kid again. I really don't. I don't wanna like, change myself as a person. I just want to work on my social skills, communicate better you know! I'll be lonely for some time and it will take time getting used to everything, I will dearly miss my friends. But hopefully everything will turn out alright and I'll be slapping in no time. I want to start part-time cause I want to be a bit self-dependent and see what it's like, go explore and stuff, learn things. Let's just see how everything turns out. There's still a while before college even starts, I don't even know which I'm going to. I will of course, keep updating my fellow reader(s) about how it all unfolds, so stay tuned for that! If you have nothing better to do with your life.
Stay cool.
Dear Diary,
I actually don't have anything planned for this entry. It's all going to be random information drop. I got called out for my hair three times yesterday! And it's not even like it's long hair or anything, just a bit overgrown. So that's a great way to start this dry entry. To light things up a bit: I've been working on an anthology, it's my first time writing a bunch of poems that relate to each other so bear with me on this one. I'm excited for it, it has been fun writing it for sure. It's about daily everyday struggle stuff so don't expect something too insane.
It's a tingly little feeling, of feeling left out. You start looking for all the damn flaws you can find in yourself and start picking away at yourself. Feels so hopeless when something as simple as being part of a healthy friend group seems like a far-off thing. Now, I'm probably not the person to be talking about this, I'm part of a pretty healthy small little friend group. But I have felt left out a lot and a lot of it might just be me whining and making it a big deal but hey, that's why you exist diary, you're the one who listens. You're my escape, well sometimes. Most of the times it's just songs. All of it feels like running in a big circle.
You get upset -> You talk to yourself -> You try to see things differently -> You somewhat succeed -> You get upset again
And then there is always that one song to intensify the feeling and etch it deeper into your mind. That's one of the reasons why I had stopped listening to certain songs. Metal was a good escape from that, I know that a lot of metal songs are very emotional but a lot of the times I didn't pay attention to the lyrics and was mostly hyped up by the music. Like, my first metal band was Rammstein and my german is as good as a chair's so it was mostly about the lyrics and the choruses that didn't make sense but it was still fun to sing them out.
Feeling left out is naturally followed by fomo, to make things worse just in case they weren't bad enough already. I try to capture these feelings and emotions in my poems but I haven't been doing all that well, I feel like. Because the poems end up either being too abstract/too intense or they end up shifting from the main theme some bit.
Oh and the feeling that while I'm typing all of this, things are happening without me
yikes.
8/3/25
Dear Diary,
I know it's been a bit! First of all, I wish anyone who's reading a good day. Mine has been pretty chill except for the studies part. Oh and also for the part where I was waiting for the bus for a while. There's not a lot to catch up on, the times have been transitory, if there was something to report, I would deliver, for sure. I mean look at me, do you think I go outside and I have demons to slay? No way! My life is as boring as it gets. Highschool is about to end soon and I can't wait to screw off from there! I did make a few good friends but I was just that awkward kid that could not talk to other people. I had brief conversations with other people, but that was it. My classmates were good, they were supportive and helping. Love the few good friends that I did make though, they're awesome. I mostly hung out with my two friends from previous years. We were pretty much the outcasts, but only outcasts in the sense that we weren't part of the main group. We fit with each other perfectly. I'm a bit worried about my social life when I go off to college. I don't want to end up as a weird awkward kid again. I really don't. I don't wanna like, change myself as a person. I just want to work on my social skills, communicate better you know! I'll be lonely for some time and it will take time getting used to everything, I will dearly miss my friends. But hopefully everything will turn out alright and I'll be slapping in no time. I want to start part-time cause I want to be a bit self-dependent and see what it's like, go explore and stuff, learn things. Let's just see how everything turns out. There's still a while before college even starts, I don't even know which I'm going to. I will of course, keep updating my fellow reader(s) about how it all unfolds, so stay tuned for that! If you have nothing better to do with your life.
Stay cool.
#FEBRUARY
12/2/25
Dear Diary,
Adults seem to know so much about me. They seem to know what I'm feeling, what my limits/capabilities are, what the solutions to my problems are and what the next thing I should be doing is. My input doesn't matter because it will probably be some excuse. Oh they always know it all!
I've been a bit busy over the past week, a lot of things are coming up of which I am not excited at all. I'm excited for what comes after. Things are piling up and it's making me angry again. All this working up over the future and my career has me tired man. When did stuff get so serious? My parents & co keep pushing me and I don't blame them ^_^ but it doesn't stop me from getting mad, I hate it when I start yelling at them in anger but we never seem to come to an understanding which reaaally sucks. Days are tough people, I am typing this on WordPad, that should tell you how tough days are nowadays. But, there are good things too
I've got some good news. I don't know where they're coming from. I've also been seeing new cats. Maybe someone in the area is petting new cats, I've seen two new kittens so far.
I've got a lot bunch of poems that are waiting to be completed. I started them, got to a tough part and dropped them. I don't want to rush them but now I feel like I am just avoiding them to not have to think because thinking is tiring. I also have one cooking in my head that I haven't gotten to writing yet. Walking your talk is tough. I want to write a happy poem.
Now, for the other bs:
Yesterday, I committed the sin of watching the Rick & Michonne spin-off of The Walking Dead. It was good for the least part. I feel scammed as a fan these days.
I am sick.
That's all for today. Cya. (I'm half asleep this time too so forgive) 13/2/25 Edit: grammar
1/2/25
Note:- Last time I accidentally posted this on the jan page oops
Dear Diary,
Been a while. I've just been busy. A lot of nonsensical work, awful sleep past few nights, a lot of thinking and laziness. My bad. I wanted to write sooner but something keeps coming up and things have been super annoying. I've been frustrated and angry. My brain is not working right now so if I am just leaving a lot of crap on here I'm sorry. I had a terrible cycling session. I did enough, but felt unsatisfied. Just didn't feel it today. I started watching The Office yesterday because I've never watched it and decided now was the perfect time. What the fuck was the second episode.It left me perplexed because it was very unexpected. I should shut up about it because if you've never watched it how will you know what I'm yapping about, right? Anyways, I've been unwell but fortunately, no bad fever dreams. I once had a fever dream of falling into Jupiter and it was the worst. I couldn't sleep properly at all that night and felt awful the rest of the day. And guess what? I had a funny little exam that day and I did terrible in that which was lovely. I had to wear a mask because my nose was runny and all of this for some goddamn reason seems to always happen during exams. Probably because I stay up a bit during them, and that is probably the cause for it. Bad sleep. My mother loves to tell me to either to wake up early and study early in the morning or study late at night and wake up a bit late. Wow thanks mother. I have a lot of choice in that. I should really be studying right now tho, like, really. But I have to do this, I feel better after doing this. I feel happier. Isn't that just great? I feel like such a prick right now but I'll keep this going for my sake. What does putting this out here even mean? If anyone's reading, does this feel like someone just puked all over their screen? Don't tell me. Don't. I know what you're going to say. And again for my sake, let's just pretend that it doesn't.
I've been thinking a lot about causality and it just makes me sad. I gained nothing.
What would I even be doing in life if I didn't have ways like this to keep me contained? I'd keep thinking and thinking and would eventually burn myself out. I've been thinking so much for a long time now and before, they used to be everyday thoughts and now it's just, "What will fulfill me?", "What is my purpose?", "Am I true to my morals?" etc etc I think I've been a bit too serious and hey, maybe that's a good thing but idk. It does get tiring sometimes. Maybe it happens because I am lonely/nothing to do/bored? I guess. I am confusing myself right now. Sorry, this must be so awful to read. The two skulls at the top is how I'm feeling right now. I guess I'll stop for now. Laters.*****
Dear Diary,
Adults seem to know so much about me. They seem to know what I'm feeling, what my limits/capabilities are, what the solutions to my problems are and what the next thing I should be doing is. My input doesn't matter because it will probably be some excuse. Oh they always know it all!
I've been a bit busy over the past week, a lot of things are coming up of which I am not excited at all. I'm excited for what comes after. Things are piling up and it's making me angry again. All this working up over the future and my career has me tired man. When did stuff get so serious? My parents & co keep pushing me and I don't blame them ^_^ but it doesn't stop me from getting mad, I hate it when I start yelling at them in anger but we never seem to come to an understanding which reaaally sucks. Days are tough people, I am typing this on WordPad, that should tell you how tough days are nowadays. But, there are good things too
I've got some good news. I don't know where they're coming from. I've also been seeing new cats. Maybe someone in the area is petting new cats, I've seen two new kittens so far.
I've got a lot bunch of poems that are waiting to be completed. I started them, got to a tough part and dropped them. I don't want to rush them but now I feel like I am just avoiding them to not have to think because thinking is tiring. I also have one cooking in my head that I haven't gotten to writing yet. Walking your talk is tough. I want to write a happy poem.
Now, for the other bs:
Yesterday, I committed the sin of watching the Rick & Michonne spin-off of The Walking Dead. It was good for the least part. I feel scammed as a fan these days.
I am sick.
That's all for today. Cya. (I'm half asleep this time too so forgive) 13/2/25 Edit: grammar
1/2/25
Note:- Last time I accidentally posted this on the jan page oops
Dear Diary,
Been a while. I've just been busy. A lot of nonsensical work, awful sleep past few nights, a lot of thinking and laziness. My bad. I wanted to write sooner but something keeps coming up and things have been super annoying. I've been frustrated and angry. My brain is not working right now so if I am just leaving a lot of crap on here I'm sorry. I had a terrible cycling session. I did enough, but felt unsatisfied. Just didn't feel it today. I started watching The Office yesterday because I've never watched it and decided now was the perfect time. What the fuck was the second episode.It left me perplexed because it was very unexpected. I should shut up about it because if you've never watched it how will you know what I'm yapping about, right? Anyways, I've been unwell but fortunately, no bad fever dreams. I once had a fever dream of falling into Jupiter and it was the worst. I couldn't sleep properly at all that night and felt awful the rest of the day. And guess what? I had a funny little exam that day and I did terrible in that which was lovely. I had to wear a mask because my nose was runny and all of this for some goddamn reason seems to always happen during exams. Probably because I stay up a bit during them, and that is probably the cause for it. Bad sleep. My mother loves to tell me to either to wake up early and study early in the morning or study late at night and wake up a bit late. Wow thanks mother. I have a lot of choice in that. I should really be studying right now tho, like, really. But I have to do this, I feel better after doing this. I feel happier. Isn't that just great? I feel like such a prick right now but I'll keep this going for my sake. What does putting this out here even mean? If anyone's reading, does this feel like someone just puked all over their screen? Don't tell me. Don't. I know what you're going to say. And again for my sake, let's just pretend that it doesn't.
I've been thinking a lot about causality and it just makes me sad. I gained nothing.
What would I even be doing in life if I didn't have ways like this to keep me contained? I'd keep thinking and thinking and would eventually burn myself out. I've been thinking so much for a long time now and before, they used to be everyday thoughts and now it's just, "What will fulfill me?", "What is my purpose?", "Am I true to my morals?" etc etc I think I've been a bit too serious and hey, maybe that's a good thing but idk. It does get tiring sometimes. Maybe it happens because I am lonely/nothing to do/bored? I guess. I am confusing myself right now. Sorry, this must be so awful to read. The two skulls at the top is how I'm feeling right now. I guess I'll stop for now. Laters.
#JANUARY
19/1/25
Dear Diary,
Had an okay-ish sleep. It was cold. I kept finding myself sleeping in an uncomfortable position. Which meant I kept readjusting the entire time. Annoying. Stuff like this can be really annoying. Feeling like I had an unfulfilling sleep, especially after days of incomplete sleep, annoying. To know that your eyes will burn the rest of the day. But I don't feel particularly mad about it after some time, it becomes part of the general annoyance until eventually fading away when I stop caring. I soon realise fretting about things will only ruin my day.
I'm feeling positive for what's to come. Maybe even just tomorrow. Or this evening? About the next game I'm playing? Starting to learn to enjoy and appreciate the things that make me happy. On the greater scale of things, I'm also very excited about what life has to offer after highschool. It's a cheerful anticipation, it does not make me dread the present like some other things I anticipate or wish, wish is a more appropriate word I feel. Chasing after the eventful will only make my days dreamy and more eventless. "Live in the moment" is what I try to keep telling myself. It's easier to do when you are consumed by whatever it is you are doing, thoughtless about anything else. It is so draining to constantly conflict with yourself. I have been trying not to antagonize myself when I do something I know I will regret. It hasn't helped me at all and only hurts my self-esteem. "This is not the part of me I'm proud of", "There's more to me" Acceptance has helped me a lot. When I keep repeating the same mistakes, it does disappoint enough for me to be mad at myself. But it's soon followed by acceptance.
Spending time doing something, like working on this site, it gives me satisfaction and happiness. I sometimes spend a lot of time talking to myself or dreaming about all of the things that I could have had and my wishes. I haven't in a while, so I'm glad. Nowadays, I mostly talk to myself about everyday life, plans and rambles about random things.
Alright, enough with the rambling. I don't even know what I just typed, completely inorganized thoughts. Oh well.
15/1/25
Dear Diary,
Been almost a week since my last entry, not a lot worth writing about has happened. Yesterday I had a good cycling session, healthwise. I was laser focused and I was cycling fast. Here are the songs I listened to while cycling, just putting it out here in case anyone cares:
Almost forgot to talk about it but I reworked the entire site, it's all DOOM now, well most of it. I like how the home page looks, I think it looks a lot cleaner. I still want to retain some of that oldschool look and there are still a lot of things I want to experiment with and see how they add up. I still need to pick a color for this page so that it's easier to read. Alright, picked it. Yellow. And, font changed to consolas. I know yellow doesn't match with anything of anything, but atleast it's easier to read. Okay, I'm done. Meet you next time.
9/1/25
Dear Diary,
I realised I put "24" in the year in my previous entry. I should stop being so stuck in the past. Anyways, the site has apparently crossed 1k views. Yay? Yay!!! There's no way I've viewed my site a thousand times, no way. Maybe. But a LOT of people have seen my pages now. A lot for me, atleast. It's a shame that the home page is still quite a mess, but I will fix it eventually. The design that I'm the most proud of so far is the diary, but the colors are still mehhh, I'll figure it out. I'm trying all the colors and choosing the one that fits. I realised I'm picking dark colors and they're really hard to see, I'll try and pick lighter ones. Let me know if it's a pain to read here.
Okay, enough about that. Today, I finished the first part of the first DOOM. The game is very addicting. The smooth and responsive movement, the simple mechanics and just shooting whatever you see, it all goes together nicely. The simplicity is part of the reason why I also love Counter Strike: Source (not that my laptop sucks and I can't run modern fps games). I love the chill, casual play and being able to spend hours just hanging out with my friends on there. But unfortunately, CS:S is dying and a lot of my friends have already quit so that sucks. I loved joining my favourite server every day and playing with the regulars, it was our own little safe space. And how could I forget the community made stuff. I loved playing jailbreak and furien mod on CS 1.6, it was some of the most fun I had playing CS. A lot of this will not make sense to someone who hasn't played CS, and I'm sorry that I got so carried away. Coming back to DOOM, I tried multiplayer and it's fun but I got a bit bored in the coop where everyone was just going around the map spamming the use key and trying to find secrets. I don't know much yet, but there's a lot to see and I'm really looking forward to play more.
My day was good, got some studies done and also had fun oh and also, cycling. Got everything done. That's all for now. Cya later.
6/1/25
Dear Diary,
Busy day today. Got a lot of assignments to do and I'm not done yet. Procrastinated nice and easy, got a lot of work done on the page, we got a guestbook and this diary now, I guess that's cool. Did some cycling and now, I want to sleep. But alas, I've got to do my work. Cycling sessions have been very relaxing, it's like meditation, I'm left alone with my thoughts to sort out, there is peace and I can just take my mind off of stressful things for some time and just do something that's nice and simple. I was hesitant at first, thought it would be too much work to cycle everyday. But after I did it for a couple of days, I realised it was just what I needed. Something about cycling peacefully and listening to TOOL, it's bliss. Had a few close calls where I almost crashed when I was cycling really fast during my favourite parts of songs, but it's not really voluntary, it just happens, especially during the ending of Forty Six & 2. I get to enjoy myself while actually doing something good for myself. I feel a bit proud.
I haven't written anything in a while, I think I might write something tomorrow if I get the chance. I want to write something good. I don't have any ideas, but I'll figure it out. I have been looking at other people's poems on neocities and I've realised I need to put in a lot more work before I start writing good poems. I need to read more to be able to imagine more concepts and broaden my vocabulary. It's a slow process but hopefully, I'll get there eventually. I like playing with words and making art with them, it makes me feel smart and like I'm doing something valuable.
I've been trying to find webrings to join but it's been a bit painful and an itch to my brain, I think I should chill out for a bit and let things simmer. Now that I've done all that I can with the site, for now, I should start putting things out, enough playing around. But I don't even know if anyone's reading. If you're reading this, thank you, it means a lot <3 I've been really enjoying the process of making this site and even if I maybe have like 2 people reading my stuff, it would be really cool.
Oh and by the way, I wanted to say, the haiku on the index page is just a placeholder for webrings stuff but I might just have to keep it at this rate.
Alright, that's it for now, that's my first entry, cya later.
Dear Diary,
Had an okay-ish sleep. It was cold. I kept finding myself sleeping in an uncomfortable position. Which meant I kept readjusting the entire time. Annoying. Stuff like this can be really annoying. Feeling like I had an unfulfilling sleep, especially after days of incomplete sleep, annoying. To know that your eyes will burn the rest of the day. But I don't feel particularly mad about it after some time, it becomes part of the general annoyance until eventually fading away when I stop caring. I soon realise fretting about things will only ruin my day.
I'm feeling positive for what's to come. Maybe even just tomorrow. Or this evening? About the next game I'm playing? Starting to learn to enjoy and appreciate the things that make me happy. On the greater scale of things, I'm also very excited about what life has to offer after highschool. It's a cheerful anticipation, it does not make me dread the present like some other things I anticipate or wish, wish is a more appropriate word I feel. Chasing after the eventful will only make my days dreamy and more eventless. "Live in the moment" is what I try to keep telling myself. It's easier to do when you are consumed by whatever it is you are doing, thoughtless about anything else. It is so draining to constantly conflict with yourself. I have been trying not to antagonize myself when I do something I know I will regret. It hasn't helped me at all and only hurts my self-esteem. "This is not the part of me I'm proud of", "There's more to me" Acceptance has helped me a lot. When I keep repeating the same mistakes, it does disappoint enough for me to be mad at myself. But it's soon followed by acceptance.
Spending time doing something, like working on this site, it gives me satisfaction and happiness. I sometimes spend a lot of time talking to myself or dreaming about all of the things that I could have had and my wishes. I haven't in a while, so I'm glad. Nowadays, I mostly talk to myself about everyday life, plans and rambles about random things.
Alright, enough with the rambling. I don't even know what I just typed, completely inorganized thoughts. Oh well.
15/1/25
Dear Diary,
Been almost a week since my last entry, not a lot worth writing about has happened. Yesterday I had a good cycling session, healthwise. I was laser focused and I was cycling fast. Here are the songs I listened to while cycling, just putting it out here in case anyone cares:
- All Hope Is Gone - Slipknot
- BFG Division - Mick Gordon
- Infraliminal - Rezzmau5
- Ghosts 'n' stuff - deadmau5
- Creatures of the Night - KISS
- Holy Diver - Dio
- Five Magics - Megadeth
Almost forgot to talk about it but I reworked the entire site, it's all DOOM now, well most of it. I like how the home page looks, I think it looks a lot cleaner. I still want to retain some of that oldschool look and there are still a lot of things I want to experiment with and see how they add up. I still need to pick a color for this page so that it's easier to read. Alright, picked it. Yellow. And, font changed to consolas. I know yellow doesn't match with anything of anything, but atleast it's easier to read. Okay, I'm done. Meet you next time.
9/1/25
Dear Diary,
I realised I put "24" in the year in my previous entry. I should stop being so stuck in the past. Anyways, the site has apparently crossed 1k views. Yay? Yay!!! There's no way I've viewed my site a thousand times, no way. Maybe. But a LOT of people have seen my pages now. A lot for me, atleast. It's a shame that the home page is still quite a mess, but I will fix it eventually. The design that I'm the most proud of so far is the diary, but the colors are still mehhh, I'll figure it out. I'm trying all the colors and choosing the one that fits. I realised I'm picking dark colors and they're really hard to see, I'll try and pick lighter ones. Let me know if it's a pain to read here.
Okay, enough about that. Today, I finished the first part of the first DOOM. The game is very addicting. The smooth and responsive movement, the simple mechanics and just shooting whatever you see, it all goes together nicely. The simplicity is part of the reason why I also love Counter Strike: Source (not that my laptop sucks and I can't run modern fps games). I love the chill, casual play and being able to spend hours just hanging out with my friends on there. But unfortunately, CS:S is dying and a lot of my friends have already quit so that sucks. I loved joining my favourite server every day and playing with the regulars, it was our own little safe space. And how could I forget the community made stuff. I loved playing jailbreak and furien mod on CS 1.6, it was some of the most fun I had playing CS. A lot of this will not make sense to someone who hasn't played CS, and I'm sorry that I got so carried away. Coming back to DOOM, I tried multiplayer and it's fun but I got a bit bored in the coop where everyone was just going around the map spamming the use key and trying to find secrets. I don't know much yet, but there's a lot to see and I'm really looking forward to play more.
My day was good, got some studies done and also had fun oh and also, cycling. Got everything done. That's all for now. Cya later.
6/1/25
Dear Diary,
Busy day today. Got a lot of assignments to do and I'm not done yet. Procrastinated nice and easy, got a lot of work done on the page, we got a guestbook and this diary now, I guess that's cool. Did some cycling and now, I want to sleep. But alas, I've got to do my work. Cycling sessions have been very relaxing, it's like meditation, I'm left alone with my thoughts to sort out, there is peace and I can just take my mind off of stressful things for some time and just do something that's nice and simple. I was hesitant at first, thought it would be too much work to cycle everyday. But after I did it for a couple of days, I realised it was just what I needed. Something about cycling peacefully and listening to TOOL, it's bliss. Had a few close calls where I almost crashed when I was cycling really fast during my favourite parts of songs, but it's not really voluntary, it just happens, especially during the ending of Forty Six & 2. I get to enjoy myself while actually doing something good for myself. I feel a bit proud.
I haven't written anything in a while, I think I might write something tomorrow if I get the chance. I want to write something good. I don't have any ideas, but I'll figure it out. I have been looking at other people's poems on neocities and I've realised I need to put in a lot more work before I start writing good poems. I need to read more to be able to imagine more concepts and broaden my vocabulary. It's a slow process but hopefully, I'll get there eventually. I like playing with words and making art with them, it makes me feel smart and like I'm doing something valuable.
I've been trying to find webrings to join but it's been a bit painful and an itch to my brain, I think I should chill out for a bit and let things simmer. Now that I've done all that I can with the site, for now, I should start putting things out, enough playing around. But I don't even know if anyone's reading. If you're reading this, thank you, it means a lot <3 I've been really enjoying the process of making this site and even if I maybe have like 2 people reading my stuff, it would be really cool.
Oh and by the way, I wanted to say, the haiku on the index page is just a placeholder for webrings stuff but I might just have to keep it at this rate.
Alright, that's it for now, that's my first entry, cya later.